Why Babies Will Be the Bane of Existence

Brooklyn Baggett
Co-Editor in Chief

Like it or not, the truth is that children are setting everyone else back in society and making us miserable.

Credit: Worldcrunch.com

     In order for us all to have long, happy, successful lives, children just need to grow up and stop being so immature. We will never get where we want to be as a planet if these troll looking creatures continue to bog us down and annoy us to the point of clinical insanity.

     The Daily National Post (DNP) reported that, based on extensive studies, the world’s collective GPI (genuine progress indicator) would increase by over 40% in five years if children went extinct. The same report also stated that we would be ten times closer to reaching the seventeen sustainable development goals (SDGs) put in place by the United Nations. 

     A separate report from the Discovery Times noted that psychiatric hospitals didn’t start opening until people started having kids. 

      Let’s be honest, kids are selfish leeches. They pull everyone else down by whining all of the time and constantly begging for things. 

     Have you ever heard a little kid cry and scream as their parent drags them out of a store because they wouldn’t buy them a toy?

     This is a prime example of how small children, especially babies, expect everything to be handed to them immediately, or else it feels as if their world is crumbling. 

     On top of this, their often short stature and generally tiny bodies make them difficult to spot and avoid bumping into. It is arguably lazy of them to take years to grow to a normal height at which the rest of us can see them without having to watch our every step to make sure that 1 foot tall people aren’t cutting us off. 

     Don’t even get me started on kids making everyone else feed them. It is disheartening how much we have devolved as a society and coddled our children to the point where they can’t do anything for themselves anymore.

     Hundreds and thousands of years ago, and even today in some traditional civilizations (tribes), children were hunters and gatherers. By the age of one, every kid was spearing wild buffalos with swords and bringing home baskets of fresh fruits and vegetables.

     Now, in 2022, one year olds sit in their highchairs crying to be fed tiny bites of processed food while being closely supervised. 

     If babies continue to be born every day, mankind will most likely go extinct and the world will end by 2075, as reported by The Real Science Dispatch. 

     Many are under the false impression that they continue our life here on earth as a species and the more babies the merrier, but the unfortunate fact is that they are toxic, manipulative, and deserve to be canceled. It’s time for kids to grow up, stop treating everyone the way they do, and stop behaving like they were born last week.


This is an April Fools’ article.


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