Hey Wimps Here’s Some Advice

Sarah Quiroga
Staff Writer

Some problems are truly tragic and universally experienced, so listen to a stranger for advice.

      Be it a dip in the relationship with a “significant” other; tea going cold after being forgotten (similar to someone who might be reading this), or a leaf not being crunchy enough and leaving no sound when pressure urges it to, everyone deals with hardships. Of course some people’s problems are worse than others and need to be prioritized for the sake of mental health and well-being, and advice is greatly needed for those who are mentally unstable. With another person’s insight and a word of encouragement, it could go a long way. Now allow the writer to grace its readers with some spectacular advice for problems everyone in the world experiences.

      A tear, a mar, an imperfection into something that was once so beautiful but you took it for granted despite the fact it brought joy until it left… the breaking up of internet connection. Truly a terrible thing to the average person and it can leave a gut-wrenching sensation when the internet decides to leave the chat for a second while in the middle of a very important video game or texting session. The progress is lost, nothing is saved, and you’re left there with a frozen screen. 

      At the chance that your device temporarily decides that you shouldn’t be connected with the rest of the world that resides within the electronic, go touch grass. Science has conducted a study that up to 15 channels in the brain turn on and serotonin levels skyrocket by a 69% increase. As a student of the Yellow State of Redlands in the proud city of Texas once said, “People should touch grass for their well being. It brings a similar calmness and reaction in the neural pathways as it would for a dog owner to pet their dog.” Do what they say and touch grass you filthy ass-ociate of Mission Viejo High School. A comrade under the proud colors of red and gold! Goooo Diablos! Hahahaha… please don’t cancel me.


      Another tragic and important problem that must be addressed– going through a loss of something important to you… the leftovers you were saving so you could eat them later only to find it gone and eaten by the other leeches of the house. A tale of star-crossed lovers, the leftovers and the hungry child, only to become a tragedy in the end when a sibling, parent, friend, or raccoon ends up stealing the leftovers (or the child in the case of the raccoon). 

      The solutions to prevent this from happening are simple and easy, though. Take an incredible amount of willpower to follow through with. 

      For one option you could do as the squirrels do and collect the food and store it into a safe compartment of your own or hide it behind other things. 

      Another path you could go down is what I’d like to call the “hungry, hungry, hippo” method where you stuff yourself as much as possible in one sitting. No looking back. Just consume. Don’t think, eat. Ignore the horrified looks as you unhinge your jaw to its full potential. Stuff yourself so much to the point you don’t even want leftovers so you rid yourself of the problem. 

      The last is the hardest and trickiest… all the other options are the least risk with totally 0 possible problems but this one… Even so, it is still an option… you eat three proper meals. Every day. Occasional snacks in between but don’t gorge yourself and drink enough water. Exercising may also help with reducing cravings, so you could try that if you want… But that’s highly unlikely you’d ever follow that piece of advice from a random freshman in journalism so feel free to continue the plan of “hungry, hungry, hippo”.


This is an April Fools’ article.


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