It was around this time last year that The Diablo Dispatch announced its closing. After 589 years, our well-respected publication feared our final defeat.
The concern was raised from a slew of problems, starting with the shortage of the Pacific Yew tree (which is used for newspaper paper). However, after two months of hard work put in by our team, the Dispatch team successfully replanted an entire Pacific Yew forest on Catalina Island, resupplying our printing materials for the foreseeable future.
Unfortunately, we still had concerns about the location of our bustling HQ, after we had to relocate to Trabuco Hills High School due to the location of fossils on our campus. We were eventually able to return to MVHS after we contacted the Smithsonian Museum to collect the fossils.
However, the biggest issue was with the Dispatch’s lawsuit with a local restaurant we will refer to as “UL Sandwiches.” UL Sandwiches refused to give us the money we were owed from a fundraiser, an amount that totaled exactly $543.23.
Near April of last year, we hired revered lawyer, Mr. Zides to go up against UL Sandwiches. Zides, wearing his Eminem clothes and carrying a beatbox, started freestyling to save our paper. Unfortunately, the cost of this endeavor was too much to bear, and we had to call it a day on The Diablo Dispatch.
Or, so we thought.
After we threatened to expose UL Sandwiches for their act of betrayal, they agreed to pay us the money we were owed in agreement to not publicize the situation (this article probably doesn’t count, though).
To recover from the remainder of the legal fees, we hired an elite team of SJAs (Specialized Journalism Agents) to obtain more money for our program from the MVHS ASB.
This increase in funding for journalism allowed us to create the most spectacular issues, garnering attention from major news corporations all over the world for our supreme journalistic work. This resulted in several new partnerships with famous newspapers, boosting our funds to the point of profit for all involved.
Then, at the beginning of the 2023-2024 school year, the panic of shutting down returned to haunt us once more.
The first issue was an elusive self-declared “enemy” of The Diablo Dispatch. At this point, the only information we had gathered on this person was on their Twitter profile: “diablodispatch_hater129753996909474208748389.” They claimed to be the owner of a major computer company entitled Softmicro.
“diablodispatch_hater” had not only called us poopy-heads on all social media platforms, but hacked our journalism computers! We no longer had any access to our editing software, which was a major concern for the December issue that we were working on.
But alas, we were determined to defeat “diablodispatch_hater” once and for all… for the sake of our publication, for the sake of principle, and most importantly, for the sake of humanity.
Using the combined force of the extreme intellect in Mr. McCormack’s period 1, we conducted extensive research into our sworn adversary. As it turns out, the true name of “diablodispatch_hater” is actually Timathie Q. Shallamay, whose company, Softmicro, used to have headquarters on Catalina Island.
As you might recall, this was the same location in which we single-handedly restored the Pacific Yew tree population. The cluster of Pacific Yew trees allegedly brought about an increase in the giant water bug toe-biter bug, which is a large water-dwelling bug that bites toes.
This caused a great deal of unease for Shallamay’s employees at Softmicro, but due to his lack of evidence for any apparent bug infestation, he took matters into his own hands, leading to all the Twitter comments.
We (kindly) interrogated Shallamay about his seemingly relentless hate and technological attacks on the Dispatch, and we ultimately came to an agreement.
Our discussion with Shallamay was diligently recorded with our top-of-the-line technology, and, using this information, we drafted a brutal exposé about the unfair situation that our paper was forced into. The exposé, which has never made it to actual publication, “scared the bejeebus” out of Shallamay, who swore to never harass our paper again if we agreed not to tarnish his self-given reputation. He also agreed to return our access to our classroom computers, which is how we were able to produce this issue for you all.
The conclusion to all this drama arrived in late February. We thought the coast was clear for the long future of The Diablo Dispatch.
That is, until our latest problem arrived. Just recently, our anonymous insider informant revealed the school’s plans to electrify the now-completed fence. With adding these new safety precautions, including watch towers, and possibly a moat, the school needed to turn to other sources for money.
One source? Regrettably, The Diablo Dispatch. The MVHS journalism program actually rakes in a lot of donations because we are just so darn likable. Being such a reliable source of money for Mission Viejo High School, the decision was made to cut our program.
We are upset about the ending of our program, but are honored to have been selected as one of the programs whose funds will go to keep the students from ditching their classes.
I speak for the many generations of editors-in-chief before me when I say, thank you… thank you, Mission Viejo High School for 589 fun-filled years of sharing the truth (especially in April). We really appreciate all the support we have received and will have fun working for yearbook instead, perchance.
