The Movie of the Millenium: “Foodfight!”

2012’s smash hit Foodfight! is approaching the 12th anniversary of its official May release.

     “You cold-farted itch,” says Foodfight! protagonist Dex Dogtective, who is a dog and a detective, and also the owner of the Copabanana nightclub (voiced by Charlie Sheen) to Foodfight! antagonist and humanoid prune mascot, Lady X (voiced by Eva Longoria).

      Having been in the works since 2001, the critically acclaimed film Foodfight! was ultimately released in May of 2012. The film was created with a $65 million budget, yet only grossed $73,706 in its box office release. This triumphant, beautifully intrinsic film deserves recognition, even if it was released 12 years ago.

     This highly sophisticated children’s film, written by the tremendously brilliant power group including Joshua Wexler, Lawrence Kasanoff, Rebecca Swanson, Sean Catherine Derek, and Brent v. Friedman provides thoughtful entertainment for the whole family to enjoy. Its thought-provoking takes on society tied fused with the elevated, quippy humor result in this exultantly great Lawrence Kasanoff-directed film.

     Following Sheen’s Dex Dogdective through a supermarket-turned-bustling-city, we get to see the intimate workings of the day-to-day life of our favorite grocery mascots, including the revered Mr. Clean, Charlie Tuna, and Mrs. Butterworth.

     However, the real star of the show is obviously the dapper Dogdective, whose love for the catgirl raisin mascot Sunshine Goodness (voiced by Hilary Duff) cascades into heartbreak with the emergence of the generic (and terrifying) store brand, Brand X.

    Dex Dogdective begins his search for the now-missing, sunny and good Sunshine Goodness, while the town tries to recruit his help to protect them from the ever-looming Brand X.

     Accompanied by his best friend, a chocolate mascot who is also a squirrel who is also a pilot who is also voiced by Wayne Brady, we follow these lovable, realistic characters on an adventure to remember. The audience meets several lovable characters along the way, like chocolate-cereal mascot vampire bat Vlad Chocool (voiced by Larry Miller), shopper Hedda Shopper (voiced by Christine Baranski), and literally just some girl, Sweetcakes (voiced by Haylie Duff).

     Some of this film’s villains, including Mr. Clipboard (a Brand X representative voiced by Christopher Lloyd) and General X (voiced by Jerry Stiller) send shivers down your spine with their terrifyingly realistic outlooks on name brands in grocery stores.

     And how can one be expected to review this masterpiece, without even bringing up the stellar animation? Striking landscapes and backgrounds, excellently realistic motion capture, and of course, the most realistic-looking human(oid) features that I’ve ever seen.

     These characters possess such a deep-felt realness in their eyes… as if they’re staring straight into the very fiber of your being. The completely realistic depictions of the female body, especially in that of Lady X, are worthy of applause. And the intermingling of human, animal, and item characters fit together perfectly in this expertly-solved animation puzzle.

     Like the rest of the film, the soundtrack was unsurprisingly spectacular, as well. The intertwining of thoughtful lyrics and moving instrumentals simply fit perfectly into each and every scene, perfectly conveying both the feelings of the audience and the characters. Some of my favorite songs include “It’s Our World” by Neil Jason and John McCurry, “USDA” by Lawrence Kasanoff, “Tonight’s the Nite” by Neil Jason and J. Davis, and “Wow!” by Good Grief ft. Shanna Crooks.

     Although the film only garnered a 1.3/10 score on IMDb, I was able to comb through the hatred to find other believers of the truth — those who can truly appreciate this film’s genius and rate it an appropriate 10/10 stars.

     Such include CinderFall6’s review describes, “I was born in a wasteland of a society. Nothing made sense, everything was cold. Then, light was brought upon my worthless existence. This light held the name Foodfight!. Finally, my life had meaning.”

     Another being Doubleg-2912331’s review, “Foodfight! giveth, and Foodfight! taketh away.” This review, trimmed to fit the article, perfectly captures the experience of watching Foodfight!: “This film will draw you in, and it will touch you… It made me rethink everything I thought I knew about society, heroism, and morality. This movie is truly a miracle. It cured my cancer, fed my starving children, and brought my grandmother back to life. Larry Kasanoff (the wonderful director of this film) is more than a filmmaker. He is a PROPHET. Mere words cannot express how thankful I am for the existence of his masterpiece.”

     As mysteriouseverlost14 puts it (albeit roughly), “The dynamic between the dog and the squirrel blew my mind… Daredevil Dan went through everything he could to gain cglove from Dex,But Dex couldn’t see tyroi7ugh his façade, His ego too big. And brain too smol The raisins had such a critical and spiritual place in the film,./… Lets not even begin to discuss Mr Clean’s role in this versatile film of drama heartbreak AND ANGYUISH. He act4d like a dirty heathen. what is the point in being called mr clean if yer just gonna love em and leave em. I wont even xplain myself. happy holidays Christmas is my fabourite time oof year(.)”

     And then there’s Luke Abbott for Google Reviews, writing “HOLY WOWWWWWW!!! HOLY MOLYYYY!!! ABSOLUTE MASTAPIS!!! … If I could rate it more stars I could even though I hate the color yellow this movie deserves as many stars as possible… This film has made me rethink the purpose of life. Do I foodfight? Do you foodfight? Do we foodfight?…”

     And, Emmett Taylor’s Google Review: “It got me out of depression. Karen and the kids came back. My dad came back with the milk. Batman’s parents came back to life just to watch this movie.  Joe Biden cried when he saw this movie. This movie has ended all wars of all time.”

     Foodfight! is all these things and more. I kid you not when I tell you that this amazing, awesome, fascinating, flawless, immaculate, impeccable, incredible, jaw-dropping, marvelous, prodigious, shocking, stunning, surprising, unbelievable, wonderful movie brought me to tears.

     So, there you have it folks. From the hilarious sexual innuendos that fly over the heads of children faster than Daredevil Dan can fly in his plane, to the tender romance and sexual tension that tugs on your heartstrings, this overall beautifully woven visual transcendence of a film — nay, an experience — will capture the hearts of all who gift themselves the time to view it.

      Please, I implore you — watch this movie. Drop everything you’re doing and watch Foodfight! as soon as humanly possible. It will change your life, as it has changed the lives of mine and many others.

     From the bottom of my heart, thank you, Foodfight! for the impact you’ve had on the world.


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Jim Marsoobian
Jim Marsoobian
Jim Marsoobian is the editor-in-chief for The Diablo Dispatch. Besides writing, she also loves cats, movies, mysteries, collecting, and listening to music! : )

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