Lydia Curry’s 5-Step Guide to Cuffing
Advice you should totally (not) follow in order to find a relationship this season.
We all love it when we’ve got somebody… don’t lie to yourself. Humans need outside validation in order to feel good about themselves, especially considering the fact that love is a necessity for humans.
Think about what the human brain can do: how it thinks about itself and how complex and diverse humans are in attitude, learning, and personalities. You can’t honestly think that this just came about through “science.”
Because science is a myth, it’s been proven.
Anyways back to cuffing season… I introduce you to my 5-step plan to finding yourself someone— anyone, honestly, I know you’re desperate— this fall (or any time or year, frankly).
Step #1… Know what you like.
It is very important to know what you like when trying to find someone. You have to know yourself, love yourself and quite frankly respect yourself in order to know, love and respect someone else. That’s just the FACTS!
Seriously, though, it’s very important at a young age to know what your own interests and goals for the relationship are before you just dive into it (this is how you end up with people crying at 2am because they cuffed a a… jerk to put it in nicer terms.
On top of that, you need to know what you actually like, if you know what I’m saying ;).
Step #2… Locating the Cuffee (it’s French, look it up)
This is very important (actually all of the steps are important, since there’s only five). The best way to locate a cuffing buddy or partner is through your friends or just sliding into those DMs.
Though, the smoothest way to slide into someone’s DMs is through their Snapchat (I bet you didn’t know swiping up is just sliding in, but up! :)).
You can also do things the old fashioned way and choose a random person in a crowd and obsessively stalk them until you find out their name, address, date of birth, class schedule, grades and if they like mac n’ cheese or not (would recommend for beginners!).
Step #3… Talking to the Cuffee
Unfortunately, I cannot reveal all my love guru secrets in this article (but you can buy my Confessions Of A Teenage Love Guru book set on Amazon for only $49.99), but the best advice I can give is be the BEST version of yourself when talking to this person.
Don’t be someone you’re not. For example, you can’t be an oatmeal raisin cookie and then trick them into thinking you’re chocolate chip (IT’S NOT FUNNY >:0!).
Step #4… Actually asking the Cuffee on a date
I cannot stress this enough, my dudes! This is so important. You need to actually hang out with your Cuffee in person because, trust me, people’s online/texting personality is way different from their face-to-face personality. When texting, you can lose context and tone, so when you see them you need to lick their face.
You can also need get a feel for their normal tone of voice and that other probably important stuff too, I guess. So pony up and ask your Cuffee out, even if it’s through text! But, it’s even better when you do it in person, now you’re horsing up!
Step #5… Securing the Cuff
ACTUALLY THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THE ENTIRE ARTICLE (NOT REALLY, BUT STILL). Now, let’s say you’ve been dating your Cuffee for a whole eight days and you’ve decided to take your relationship to the next level, and I’m not just talking about being seen together in public ;).
You have decided it is now time for marriage. Marriage is a sacred institution (legal document) that will bind you (trap you) for the rest of your life.
Since you haven’t talked to your Cuffee about any of the things you may actually fight about in your marriage like financial needs, realistic work goals in life, and how you actually hate that they call you boo-boo bear, it’s time to get married.
So pop that question, hide the ring in a little teddy bear and stick it under the Christmas tree, then plan for a May wedding and have your mom invite that girl that used to tell her that you had a school project after school and then wait in your bedroom for you until you got home.
Or if you aren’t interested in marriage because of the alarmingly high divorce rates in our country, you can always kill your Cuffee and keep them in a refrigerated box under your bed :).
If breaking up with them is easier since murder isn’t quite for everybody, then go for it.
If we’re being completely honest here… breaking up with someone is difficult and murder may seem like the easy way out, but the best thing to do when breaking up with someone is to be honest, not brutally honest like a punch to the stomach, but honest about why you’re breaking up with them, like a light slap in the face because it’s going to hurt.