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“Sucks to be him”: A Renfield Review

Jim Marsoobian
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“Sucks to be him”: A Renfield Review

    The man, the myth, the legend: Nicolas Cage strolls into the room — top hat, cane and all. His pale lips part to reveal his nasty yellow fangs as he recites, “Some call me the dark one; others, the lord of death. To most, I am simply known as-”

     “Renfield’s boss!”

     That’s right folks… after years and years of good ole’ Count Dracula being the center of attention in countless books, movies, and more, the overshadowed R.M. Renfield has finally gotten his own movie.

     First appearing in the OG Dracula novel by Bram Stoker, Renfield is depicted as a mad but deeply devoted servant (“familiar”) to the Count. He (Renfield) agrees to turn another character into a vampire in exchange for immortality. Renfield believed that the consumption of bugs (and other animals) would give him strength and an extra-long life, which pretty much explains how he ended up in a lunatic asylum.

     Renfield’s first film appearance, however, was in the 1922 silent film, Nosferatu. Then, most notably, he was portrayed by Dwight Frye in the 1931 classic Dracula movie. The sorrowful servant appeared in many Dracula books and movies after that, too. However, he has never been the main subject of a major film…

      …until now. The R-rated comedy horror film Renfield, directed by Chris McKay (also known for The Lego Batman Movie and The Tomorrow War), was released in theaters on April 14th of this year. 

     The plot follows the almost-pitiful Robert Montague Renfield as he tries to leave his line of work — and of course, the mayhem he faces when Dracula learns of his decision. He longs for a life independent of his servitude to the Count. And, as you can probably imagine, the Drac-man did not take that very well.

     Starring Nicholas Hoult as Renfield himself, alongside Nicolas Cage as Dracula, I have to address the great acting that made this film. Nicholas Hoult was quite successful at adding depth to this deeply misunderstood character, while simultaneously adding humor into his performance. Not to mention that Nicolas Cage Dracula-ed his heart (or should I say fangs?) out, delivering one of the best (and hilarious) Dracula performances I’ve ever seen.

     The cast of the film also featured Awkwafina as Robert’s love interest, cop Rebecca Quincy, Shohreh Aghdashloo as crime empire leader (we’ll get to that in a minute), Bellafrancesca Lobo, and Ben Schwartz as her son, Teddy Lobo.

     The story itself was alright. Just alright. Somehow, whoever wrote this movie thought it would be great to include a little crime-drama action in there. I know that when I think of Dracula and Renfield, the first thing that comes to mind is a crime drama. Really, who wouldn’t associate gothic vampirism with a cocaine-selling crime empire?

     Fine, in all seriousness, I do get what they were going for. Classic tale tied to the modern world in some way. Clever, maybe, but not the way it was written out here. The plots between Renfield trying to separate from Dracula and Rebecca trying to take down the “Lobos” crime empire just did not mesh well. Though the “Lobos” nod to the classic werewolf vs. vampire was noted (and appreciated) they were a completely unnecessary addition to the film.

     I wished that the movie stuck to the path of more traditional vampire-y films. Renfield already had something unique and different about it: it was about Robert Montague instead of Count Dracula. I understand why they were trying to shift things around, but I ultimately just wanted to see a funny, classic, bloody mess of vampirism that gave more life to a character that has been around for 125 years.

     Renfield received just alright ratings from reviewers and the general public, earning scores of 6.7/10 from IMDb,

58% from Rotten Tomatoes, and 80% from the Rotten Tomatoes audience rating.

     My movie-going partner in crime, Sarah Green, also had some interesting insights into the film: “I thought that it was pretty gory and I wasn’t expecting that. I was hootin’ and hollerin’ at some points because it was real funny. I liked how the Renfield guy, he like, took control of the situation, you know, and became his own person and stood up to the big bad vampire man.” Ditto.

     “Well, how was the movie?” you might be wondering. Well, dear reader, here it is: after careful consideration and a thorough evaluation using my state-of-the-art movie-rating formulas, I gave this movie a generous 7/10. The acting was fantastic, the settings and costumes were great, the cinematography was nice but nothing special, and it was funny. But — the plot is what lost my last 3 points.

   Look — Renfield might not be the next “Best Picture,” but I would still recommend giving it a watch. Renfield is an enjoyable movie that will hopefully provide you with a few well-needed chuckles (and “ew!”s). 

 

That is, if you’re not too scared.

From Writers to Fighters: The Writers Guild of America puts their “pencils down” for the first Hollywood strike in 15 years

Jim Marsoobian
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From Writers to Fighters: The Writers Guild of America puts their “pencils down” for the first Hollywood strike in 15 years

     2007—the year of the first iPhone, the Spice Girls reunion tour, and the infamous finale to the Sopranos. It’s also the year of the 100-day Writers Guild of America (WGA) strike against the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers (AMPTP).

     Fifteen years later, they’re at it again. The AMPTP, representing Netflix, Amazon, Apple, Disney, Discovery-Warner, NBC Universal, Paramount, and Sony, failed to agree on a new three-year contract with the writers.

      Demanding changes to mandatory staffing levels, duration of employment, and amount of money, over 11,000 writers are walking the picket lines in front of America’s major production companies in Los Angeles, New York City, and other cities. Earlier discussions about the looming threat of AI screenwriters and salary increases could not be agreed upon between the two organizations.

     Hollywood is going to take a big hit from the strike, which has already impacted some late-night talk shows and other daily cable shows. Without writers, unfinished television shows, movies, and talk shows will have to pause until negotiations are made.

       According to The LA Times, the 2007 WGA strike shut down “more than 60 TV shows, hampering ratings and depriving the networks of tens of millions in advertising dollars.” Experts are saying that the same can be expected now.

     While the impact of this strike is expected to have the same result as in 2007-2008, the circumstances are very different now. An extreme increase in the use of television streaming services in the past few years has contributed substantially to the matters being negotiated by these writers.

      Some writers have criticized the job insecurity resulting from these streaming networks. Most streaming shows only have about eight episodes per season, as opposed to the standard twenty-ish episodes on traditional cable shows. Shorter seasons mean less writing, and less writing means less work for these creators.

     Not to mention AI’s role in this strike. Many of those on the picket lines are carrying signs saying something along the lines of, “Don’t replace me with AI, please!” The increased use of AI has posed a threat to many jobs, but writers have been especially concerned. The rise of ChatGPT, the popular writing AI software, has been the subject of talks about a new approach to screenwriting.

     The times have changed, and the writers who put hard work into creating our favorite media should be recognized and supported in this action. Some ways that you can support the strike include donating your time or money, speaking out about the situation, and spreading information.

     I will leave you with a brief segment of the message that the WGA wrote to its members regarding the importance of going on strike—

 

“Here is what all writers know: the companies have broken this business. They have taken so much from the very people, the writers, who have made them wealthy. But what they cannot take from us is each other, our solidarity, our mutual commitment to save ourselves and this profession that we love. We had hoped to do this through reasonable conversation. Now we will do it through struggle. For the sake of our present and our future, we have been given no other choice.”

Farewell to Everyone’s Best Bud, Judd

Jim Marsoobian
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Farewell to Everyone’s Best Bud, Judd

    It was September 1st, 2005 in Mission Viejo when now-17-year-old Judd Karn came into this world. Being the current Editor-In-Chief for The Diablo Dispatch, as well as being involved in numerous other activities including golf, the SVUSD Student Advisory Committee, and multiple MVHS clubs, Judd has definitely made an impact on this campus.

     Outside of school, Judd’s hobbies include playing golf, playing Minecraft with his friends, and going to his friends’ places of work to try to get free food. “Not for the free food, I just think it’s a funny thing to do. It’s a goal to have while you’re just talking with your friends,” he explains. He also enjoys watching movie (singular movie), computers, graphic design, and writing.

    Some items on Judd’s bucket list include going to Cyprus or Bermuda, and traveling “as much as possible” in general. Aside from that, Judd is very lucky to have already experienced some bucket-list items like going to Catalina Island, New York, and visiting his family in Canada. He also has a passionate desire to watch Werewolf by Night, which is a fantastic one-hour-long movie about a werewolf at night (released a whopping 213 days ago, as of May 8th). Can you believe that?

     Speaking of movies, among Judd’s favorites are The Truman Show, La La Land, Django Unchained, The Grand Budapest Hotel, and Everything Everywhere All at Once. He enjoys film analysis and also writing entertainment articles.

     Judd’s love of writing stems from Mission Viejo High School. He specifically accredits The Diablo Dispatch and Mr. McCormack for helping him learn to enjoy writing, as well as plenty of help from Mr. Cost and AP Literature. Journalism has definitely had some influence on his future career possibilities, which could be journalism, screenwriting, or business administration for journalism.

     During his time at Mission, Judd has also really enjoyed humanities. He says that it is “a really great program where you kind of get that transition between college and high school, with the lectures. But it’s also just fun and it’s a great way for me to relax in my senior year because a lot of other schools have you take, like, the hardest classes your senior year.”

     When asked about the most important thing that he has learned in high school, Judd explains, “I feel like a lot of high school isn’t really about the content, it’s more about learning to learn. So, the most important thing, in my eyes, has been figuring out how to learn to learn.”

     Taking this knowledge with him, Judd is going to be graduating from Mission Viejo High School in just a matter of weeks. Thus, leaving him with a relaxing and fun summer break before he leaves for Brown University in Rhode Island. “I will be sleeping a lot… the first week, I think I’ll probably do nothing,” he says. After that, however, Judd hopes to spend the summer road-tripping across the West Coast, possibly visiting his family in Canada, and working at a golf course, Disneyland, or participating in an internship.

      A well-deserved break, especially once you hear how much he has already accomplished so far. In high school alone, he created the entire website for the school newspaper, got nominated for Youth of the Year, actively participated in the Saddleback Student Advisory Committee, and received a Diablo Excellence medallion—twice. Now that he is going to Brown University, Judd is sure to have many more accomplishments coming his way.

     Nestled in Rhode Island’s capital city, Providence, the Ivy League Brown University has an open curriculum, meaning there are no general education requirements. This aspect appealed to Judd. He explains, “Since I don’t really know what I want to do in the future, Brown helps me choose.”

     The ex-Miami blue enjoyer is looking forward to studying computer science, business, journalism, and, possibly, film at Brown. He is trying to “take up a bunch of different stuff to figure out, Do I like this? Do I want to do this forever?”

     Though Judd is currently undecided about what he wants to do in the future, he is currently leaning toward becoming a screenwriter. Yet, he knows that his aspirations could change. Judd suggests, “A lot of people in high school have certain goals of theirs. Last year, I had a certain goal. I was like, I’m going to be an engineer, and I’m like, Wait, business is also cool, and now I’m like, I shouldn’t be 17/18 and trying to figure out those darn goals of mine. That’s what college is for. College is for figuring out what you want to do. And so, my goal right now might be to become a screenwriter, but that’s probably going to change ten times over in college. And that’s a good thing.”

     Which is great advice, especially if you are also somebody who does not yet know what you want to do in the future. Speaking of really great advice, Judd would like any incoming freshmen to know that, “There are some freshmen that are already caring about what college they get into or where they want to go. It doesn’t really matter. The difference you have from getting into an ‘elite college’ and a Cal. State is negligible. You’ll probably just get a couple year head-start, but I’d argue that that couple year head-start is not worth as much as spending your time in high school developing as a person and having fun. So, I’d say focus on having fun in high school.”

     Just have fun. It is an idea that appears to be common among a few of Judd’s philosophies. An example of this is his philosophy of trying to make an impact wherever he can. “Just making sure that every single act I do has a positive impact on someone. If I can do that, and magnify it as much as possible, I will,” he says.

     It is evident that he follows this mindset in his day-to-day life. From smiling and “waving profusely” to his friends, just because he feels that “it’s funny and a lot of people smile” when he does it, to dedicating endless amounts of time to everything he gets involved with, it is obvious that Judd really is making a positive impact wherever he goes. “If I can do that, and make someone’s day just slightly better, then I’ll do that every single time,” he says.

     Judd has more than certainly left his impact on Mission Viejo High School, as well as on his friends, teachers, and classmates. His positive attitude, diligence, and kindness will continue to pay off well into the future.

 

Even though Judd is considered a traitor to our journalism program, along with the entirety of Mission Viejo High School for leaving us, we all wish him the very best—in college and beyond.

Too Cool for School: Mr. Mao to leave MVHS to become stunt double for “The Rock”

Jim Marsoobian
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Too Cool for School: Mr. Mao to leave MVHS to become stunt double for “The Rock”

     Have you ever noticed how Mr. Meeuwsen eerily resembles Bill Murray? Or how Mr. Tickler and Ty Burell could be twins? Or, most accurately, how Mr. Mao looks practically identical to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson?

     These comparisons, along with many more, were published last year in April for the “Mission Doppelgangers” section of The Diablo Dispatch.

      Yet, this wasn’t the first time that Mr. Mao has been dubbed the lookalike of “The Rock.” In the past, he has been stopped on multiple occasions on his way to the classroom. By now, Mao is beyond used to hearing awestruck students ask, “Are you Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson?” To this, he replies, “No.” This issue became more and more severe, so Mao decided to start wearing a wig and glasses so people wouldn’t mistake him for the professional wrestler.

     “Mission Doppelgangers” was released during a period of deep introspection for Mao, who had been recently pondering whether or not he chose the correct career path. He loved physics, but there was always a career path that he has been drawn to more: stunt doubling.

     Ever since his youth, Mr. Mao has always dreamed of becoming Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s stunt double. He was so determined to follow his dream that he even attended a course entitled “Stunt Doubling: No Struggling” in college.

     However, when it came time for him to determine which career path to follow, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson did not have an opening for a stunt double position. This led to his ultimate decision to pursue a career in teaching physics.

     Just last week, though, Mao received his March issue of Stunt Double: No Trouble, a popular magazine in the stunt-doubling world that featured an article about how “The Rock” was looking for a new stunt double. His old stunt double, Chuck Noland, got stranded on a remote island during the filming of DC League of Super-Pets.

     The timing was nothing but perfect. Finally, Mr. Mao has the opportunity to do what he has always dreamed of. And though he will miss teaching physics, he will finally feel the satisfaction of having all that he has ever wanted.

     Unfortunately, this upcoming June will be Mr. Mao’s last month here at MVHS, marking the end of his teaching career. From here, he will move on to start stunt training and eventually begin filming scenes for Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s upcoming movie, The Fastest and the Furiousest: XXIII.

     We at Mission Viejo High School will greatly miss Mr. Mao, but we wish him the best of luck in his new career. I will leave you off with the words that inspired him more than any others:

 

It’s about drive, it’s about power. We stay hungry, we devour.

The Immortality of Dracula

Jim Marsoobian
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The Immortality of Dracula

     “I want you to believe…to believe in things that you cannot,” spoke Van Helsing, the enemy of Dracula. Of course, it might be a little difficult to believe that there are really blood-drinking, bat-converting, nocturnal, and undead monsters walking among us. Or even in the possibility that someone can truly be immortal.

     However, Bram Stoker’s 1897 Dracula would beg to differ. Immortality most definitely exists — just in the form of stories, rather than monsters.

     There is no denying the immortality of Dracula. No matter how many years pass, this particular bloodsucker continually finds himself popping up in all sorts of movies, books, songs: you name it.

     But where did this creepy-cool guy even come from? The original novel is said to be inspired by classic vampiric folklore, like the “nosferatu”: an archaic Romanian word translating to “undead” or “vampire.” Some also speculate that the novel was influenced by Sheridan Le Fanu’s 1872 vampire novel, Carmilla. Yet the character of Count Dracula himself is often thought to be based upon a 15th-century governor of Romania: Vlad the Impaler.

     Vlad the Impaler was also known as Vlad III and even —get this— Vlad Dracula. Vlad was known for his excessively brutal acts of violence. According to some records, he ordered the impaling of people in his prisons to “assist them on their way to heaven,” during his time in power (hence, the name). Vlad III’s “thirst for blood” can easily be recognized in Count Dracula’s literal thirst for blood.

     The figure of Dracula in pop culture, however, has come a very long way since the days of poor, old Vlad. There are innumerable adaptations of Dracula, especially in writing and film. Some examples of the most popular include the iconic Universal Studios 1931 Dracula film, Bram Stoker’s Dracula of 1992, the Nosferatu movie released in 1922, and The Horror of Dracula from 1958.

     Dracula has obviously had a lot of influence in pop culture, but what is it exactly that makes Dracula’s story so powerful, so popular, and so pivotal?

     At the end of the day, he was necessary in order to create the beautiful world of vampire fiction that is so deeply adored, even today. Dracula is well-loved by many, and the sheer influence it has on people and their art can itself be a testament to its significance.

     And of course, there is plenty more in store for the future of everyone’s favorite, fanged Count. Several upcoming projects will be arriving this year, including Chloe Zhao’s Sci-Fi/Western Dracula movie (more information to be announced), The Last Voyage of Demeter film coming August 11, 2023, and the highly anticipated Renfield — coming April 14th of this year.

     Renfield is a comedy-horror film centered around the pitiful R.M. Renfield, the troubled assistant to Count Dracula. Renfield is a man deranged with the promise of immortality in exchange for his services. The plot of this film follows Renfield as he tries to leave his line of work — and of course, the mayhem he faces when Dracula learns of his decision.

     Even though that’s all that is on the books for now, there will be, without a doubt, plenty more Dracula to come. Like the character himself, Dracula’s stories will never die. They will live on and on, continuing to haunt us for many years to come.

     At the darkest of dusks, the pages of his novels will always flap open like bat wings, ready to spook a new generation. Every Halloween night, kids will drip bloody ketchup down the crooks of their mouths in his honor. And every year or so, a new film or novel will be released with some interesting twist on the original story.

     It will never matter how much time passes —

 

     Dracula will always be immortal.

Mission is banning phone usage permanently!

MVHS Staff
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Mission is banning phone usage permanently!

Next month, Mission Viejo High School will implement signal jammers across the school.

     There have been a number of issues regarding technology in our school; many staff report frustrations with computers shorting out seemingly at random, as well as their lights and printers.

     Personal technology, mainly our phones, have been found as the leading cause of these malfunctions and shortages. 

     These jammers will do little else than disable your handheld devices during school hours. But the jammers aren’t the only way we’re stopping devices.

    Supervisors around the school will be equipped with electrical tracking devices. These devices will be able to detect working phones in a mile radius by searching for signals pinging out of our school; and they´re almost 100% effective!

    Additionally, our supervisors will now be renamed to ¨Signal Security Guards.¨

    So, what does this mean for us? Well, it means that paying attention in class is going to be much easier without the distraction of our iphones.

     Also, we´ll experience much less issues with our chromebooks; they´ll work much better without breaking from our school supporting so many devices at once.

     ¨I don’t know how to go on with my day without my little Jemily texting me!” reports the mother of a fellow student. 

     So, what are we going to do without our phones? How are we going to contact our parents?

     Mission has a great plan! Starting next month, along with the ban, we´re beginning a mailing service. Need to contact your parent or guardian? Just write a letter, stamp it, and your parents will get your message the next day. Perfect!

    While you may think this is a little sudden, it’s actually been a work in progress as early as last year. Mission takes tech issues very seriously, and their solution is absolutely brilliant.

    Of course, some students have feedback. Some issues, the staff reports, have been brought up; like, ¨How am I supposed to contact the school if my friend is breaking our new phone rules?¨

    It’s simple! Fill out a ¨Signal Security¨ form located at the front office, and that student will be checked for unauthorized technology.

    This check is entirely uninvasive. A Signal Security officer will simply check you out with their device, and if a cellphone is found, it will be confiscated.

     Mission is entering a completely phone-free era of education, but they aren’t the only ones advocating for this change.

     A group of students will be starting a new club! While it lacks a name just yet, students will be able to discuss this new change and celebrate a phone-free school life. You´ll be able to brainstorm new games to play without the usage of iphones.

     In conclusion, this short meeting with our school has unveiled a ton of information. What will you do without your phone? What are you excited for? Feel free to visit the club and let us all know!

    With this change, we´re hoping to see less technology issues regarding our teachers, chromebooks, and other online learning services.

The Ultimate Crossover

MVHS Staff
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The Ultimate Crossover

 To all of the fantasy fanatics, Walt Disney Studios and Warner Bros. Pictures have decided to make the perfect crossover movie. Between the franchises of Star Wars, Marvel, DC, and Harry Potter, a new action packed, sci-fi, superhero, wizarding movie is reportedly in the works!

     You might ask yourself, why? Why would Disney ever make a movie with other companies when their prior actions (like buying almost every company) has indicated nothing except expanding their own company? Well, Marvel Studios President Kevin Feige released a statement saying, “This project could be the biggest movie of the century, or a complete flop and possibly one of Hollywood’s worst movies. Only because of the fact that this big of a project has never been done before.” 

     There have also been rumors that Disney might be doing this as a last-ditch effort to up their stocks that have been steadily declining since September 13, 2021 (according to Apple Stocks App). Whatever the reason behind this crossover, there is clearly some effort being put into this movie.

     The only worrying part about this whole thing is the release date. It has been reported that this will be a decade long project. Could you imagine waiting 12 years to watch a movie and in the end it turns out to be surpassed money wise for the first couple of weeks, by a movie about a cat wearing boots, like Avatar 2. But it is understandable that the “movie of the century” could take a ton of time to make.

     On to the actors who are said to appear in this movie, returning to the Wizarding World scene is Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter), Emma Watson (Hermione Granger), and Rupert Grint (Ron Weasley). They have new contracts and are ready for the decades’ long work. Once hearing of the crossover movie, an excited 12 year old American hacker got into Disney’s files and found a hidden cast member. It was none other than the man who kicked started the MCU, Robert Downey Jr. also known as Iron-Man.

     If everything goes well for everyone and nothing goes wrong, this movie should release in the summer of 2035 or even later. But it could be a riskful gamble, Disney and Warner Bros. could have a great movie in their hands, it has been estimated to make money into the billions. Or, it could be one of the most expensive and worst movies in the history of cinematography.

Tagalong… In Prison

MVHS Staff
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Tagalong… In Prison

     We all know about the delicious cookies that we get once a year. I hate to tell everyone, but eating these pieces of culinary art may come with high risk.
     This is not a drill. I have a very close friend who has been affected by these cookies and they have changed her everyday life. Her name is Chloe York and she has been kind enough to share her story with us.
The first thing she told me was, “One day, I decided to support my little cousin and buy a box of girl scout cookies. Five minutes later, they were all gone. I had eaten every single cookie. I knew that I needed more. One week, I ate five boxes of thin mints and ten boxes of caramel delights. I knew that I had a problem.”
     Chloe was not the only person who was affected. There have been many reported cases all over the country. A female in Ohio told us that she was required to go to rehab after eating these cookies because she could not stop eating them. Her friends and family became concerned with her health and decided that going to rehab was the best thing for her. She is now ten days sober of cookies, and her quality of life has greatly improved.
     The person who is behind this evilness was finally brought to justice. CEO Felicia Joe was taken to prison on Feb. 28, 2023, for all the trouble she has caused to the cookie lovers of the USA. She stated that nothing had happened to the cookies, but everybody knows they are too good to be true.
     There is no exact pinpoint on what substance is added to the cookies that cause this horrible addiction. However, scientists are working their hardest to figure out what is causing these cookies to be so addicting that it is impossible to stop eating them.
     But, one thing we do know is that the cookies that have been shown to be the most addicting are Thin Mints, Peanut Butter Patties, and Caramel deLites. Studies have shown that whenever you eat these cookies, it is impossible to eat less than two boxes. So for now, it is best to not eat any at all.
     For some people, including myself, this is very tough news to swallow. Girl Scout cookies are incredibly popular and delicious snacks, but are there worth risking your quality of life? Today is the day we stand up against the evil cookies and say no! Or just have one 😉

SaddleCrack School District switching to AI Teachers

Aubrey Bertino
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SaddleCrack School District switching to AI Teachers

The 21st century is starting to look more and more like a science fiction film everyday, and our school is no exception to these changes. SaddleCrack School District has released a statement including plans for AI teachers and teacher assistants to be introduced into schools early in the 2024 school year. And the best part? Mission Viejo High School will be the first school to be equipped with these machines.

     While these robots are still in the testing phase, engineers have told school staff that things are looking promising. These AI teachers will be capable of doing everything our old fashioned human teachers do and more.         

     Once finished, these teachers will be able to automatically scan classrooms in search of cheating in the matter of  seconds. The teachers will also have access to the answer of any question in the world, meaning students will never have to be confused in class again. Along with these features, grading will also be much faster, with the robots having the ability to grade papers and tests automatically,  according to a grading system ingrained in their coding.

     There are some concerns as to job loss for current human teachers, many of which are valid. It is true that many teachers will lose their jobs to these robots, and it’s probable that eventually human teachers will be no more. But, at the end of the day, the most important thing is the education of future generations. Because these robo-teachers are equipped with all the knowledge in the world, they will objectively make better teachers than meager humans. 

     SaddleCrack has also assured teachers currently employed under the district that they will be graciously compensated for their removal from the school. A whopping $20 check will be provided to every human teacher to ease the transition from having a stable paycheck to being jobless citizens. 

     Our very own journalism teacher, Mr. McCormack, is very enthusiastic about the situation, stating that “I’m incredibly excited for the introduction of AI teachers, even if I lose my job. Besides, with that $20 check, I can finally buy eggs again!”

     Along with concerns of current employees, some argue that the human connection between students and teachers will be completely destroyed with the introduction of these AI teachers. However, these claims are completely false, as these robots have been specifically programmed to be incredibly life-like, in a way some even describe to be “eerie”. But, rest assured that the rapidly approaching robo-teachers are completely safe for students, and definitely not terrifying to small children. There have also been no incidents similar to The Terminator, none at all. These are totally safe, and pose no threat to students or staff, of course. All that bogus about one of the robots incinerating an engineer with a surprise laser is completely made up…right?

     Anyway, these new robo-teachers are sure to be a wonderful addition to our school, and we are ready to welcome them with open arms. Say your farewells to your favorite human teachers, because the way of the future is coming soon, and they won’t be in it!

Mr. Fukuda: A Science Teacher With Secrets in His Coffin?

MVHS Staff
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Mr. Fukuda: A Science Teacher With Secrets in His Coffin?

 A group of bats has been spotted not one, but multiple times, circling around Fukuda’s door when dusk hits. For many years, the suspicions of the staff and students have raised a concern that Mr. Fukuda could be a vampire.  It’s pretty easy to envision him in the role of a scary blood-sucking guy with fangs. 

    Even his classroom screams the word vampire, from a mysterious wall of faded pictures to the reports of students hearing an organ sporadically throughout their time in the classroom. And the faded pictures on the wall? He’s in all of them and he looks the exact same. 

     The guy looks 35 years old, at the most, but has to be at least 55. Maybe the effects of aging haven’t gotten to him yet or… that the blood he sucks must really be working. 

   Forget about a time-consuming and expensive skincare routine, just gulp down some fresh young blood from a random person and you’ll be good, right? Easy and convenient for Mr. Fukuda. Especially when he is always around students. 

   Students have reported rarely seeing Fukuda ever out of his room. And when he does, he instantly gets a sunburn and goes through severe coughing fits. 

    Not only do students believe Mr. Fukuda’s a vampire, but also the staff at MVHS. Biology teacher Henry Wallachia reported that one day someone had brought garlic bread to the teacher’s lounge. “Fukuda had never looked more scared before, his eyes widened with fear and he excused himself to leave immediately.”

     In addition, when the custodians did their daily shift of emptying the trash in Fukuda’s room, they spotted teeth marks on apple cores that had fang marks too long to be human teeth. 

     Also have you noticed the uncanny resemblance between Fukuda and the original Dracula actor Bela Legusi, because I have. It was all based on him, I wouldn’t be surprised if the original novel, Bram Stoker’s Dracula, was not based on Vlad the Impaler but instead used as a cover up for Fukuda’s existence.

     The dots are all connecting, if you don’t believe this obvious realization, the joke’s on you.

 

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